Below is a journal entry dated 11/18/2012. I was 17 years old and my boyfriend and I had been disfellowshipped for fondling. We were trying our best to do what a “good” disfellowshipped person would do, which basically means taking the brunt of the punishment and having no human connection or relationships whatsoever. You’re not allowed to talk to any friends or family who ARE Witnesses (obviously) and yet, since you’re striving to be reinstated, you’re still expected to follow the rules. That means no association with worldly people or other disfellowshipped ones as well. Amongst this, my dad confessed that he had been cheating on my mom which led to a downward spiral for our entire family. Below you’ll see my broken, confused thoughts from one of the lowest points in my life.
Hmm… I don’t even know where to begin. Life. Is. Crazy. My mind is crazy. My thoughts are crazy. My conclusions are missing. I don’t understand anything. I am literally at this point of complete confusion. I don’t know anything.
I feel empty. I feel like I don’t know what I’m striving for. I feel like everything’s upside down. Because it IS upside down I guess. Anddddd….Now what? Where do we go from here? Where do I go from here? Where does my family go from here? Who should I support? How do I keep myself from going crazy? How do I keep everyone ELSE from going crazy?
Are we already crazy?
I think we might be. I’m lost. And I think I’ve GOT to start writing again. My thoughts are constantly cooped up in my mind. Random jumbling/jumping/jackly thoughts that prick my brain and hurt my head. They never tie the loose ends. It’s like my cerebellum is strung with frayed vein ropes.
And I feel like I WANT to write, I HAVE to write so that I can maybe figure the tip of the iceberg out. Maybe I can crack it just enough so that it shatters and everything magically falls into place (or at least makes sense again). But I feel like…I don’t how. It feels like everything is missing.
Normal people go through this. I understand that. I don’t think I’m some incredibly unlucky human being whose family fell apart. I know this happens to the majority of people. And it hurts. It sucks. It’s so hard to wrap your mind around the fact that the people you always thought would BE together, are no longer together. That the unit and the group of people who were always supposed to make sense and be stable throughout anything that came your way, is gone. That your flesh and blood, your promises and your loyalty, your devotions and dedications and TRUST – Is broken. That what you thought was invincible, fell apart in a second.
We had our problems. I never thought for a second that we were near perfect. But we were forever. I knew that much.
Ok. So that’s one thing. That’s one huge dynamic road block that stepped in my way of life and built a brick wall that I had to go through.
But I’m strong. I can punch a hole through that wall and climb over that mountain. I can GET PAST THAT. I’m young. I have my whole life ahead of me. I’m not going to allow that to define who I am. I’m not going to allow that to let me lose faith in love and happily ever after’s. I have dreams! Aspirations! Goals! I’m going to reach every last one of them!
But it’s so much more than that. It’s so much more than – “yeah, it’s been hard lately because my dad cheated on my mom and well… you know how that goes.” You can try to explain it to the next stranger on the street and they would comfort you in their nonchalant movingonwiththeirlife kind of way. But they don’t understand. They have no IDEA how much deeper it goes. How much more is affected. Because guess what? We’re different.
We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses. Well… we were. And THAT, is a whole ‘nother ball game my friend.
And that’s when EVERYTHING comes into question. It’s not just “my family fell to the ground.” It’s “I’m disfellowshipped which means that my family fell to the ground, my parents are no longer together, I have no communication with any of my friends, I’m not allowed to talk to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, etc, the people who I see at “church” are afraid to look in my direction, I’m shunned by the people who have always been closest to me, I’m now stunted in my capabilities of communicating with ANY form of human being, and the one person that made sense, the one person that I loved like crazy and I plan on spending the rest of my life with, is gone. I can’t talk to him, see him, be with him, for who knows how long.” YOU. ARE. ALONE. In the fullest sense.
I’m alone. I’m alone to the point that I never thought possible. And that’s BIG. That’s not some passing statement you can make in normal day-to-day conversation. It’s huge. It’s everything.
And guess what? We’re HUMANS. We’ve always been taught to fight our human inclination. Our whole life the same thoughts and ideas have been forced into our mind and pushed down our throats.
FIGHT our temptations. FIGHT our desires. FIGHT our imperfection.
But there’s one thing I’ve never been taught to fight. And it’s being with others. A simple fact of life as human beings. The strong emotional and physical need to be with PEOPLE. We were made to live together, to “dwell in unity”, to be in peace, to make conversations, to build relationships, to learn about each other. All of that – Is gone.
And I hate that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
I feel like I’m caught in limbo. That I’m in between some sort of life and death disaster world that won’t make up it’s mind. Nobody will make up their freakin mind! And that’s what kills me. That everyone is just kind of sitting back and letting “life take them in the right direction.” Screw that. Because guess what? It won’t. It will step on you and push you into the ground to the point that you can’t go any further. It will push you to your grave if you let it.
So why is everyone letting it? And what can I do to stop it? I want to be that strong person who has the capability to pull through and become better because of it. I want to help other people get through. I want to pull my family out of this mess so that we can end up on the other side, happier. Not necessarily together, but alive and well and satisfied.
But at this point, how would I possibly go about doing that?
I have no freakin clue. I don’t think there’s any possible way that I have control over anything. I don’t have control over what’s going to happen the next few months. I don’t even have control over my own thoughts at this point in my life. I don’t know.
I. Don’t. Know. And I don’t know how to not know.
And so I drink. And sleep. So much more than I ever have before. Because guess what journal? It’s so much better than being awake. I now dread the thought of waking up in the morning. Starting a new day of life so that I can put on my mask and latch my facade onto my lips so that I can wear the fakeness around like a pretend police badge. So that I can ACT like I have some sort of power in my life. So that I can ACT like everythingbodyone is absolutely peachy.
When it’s not.